I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I won the penis lottery.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
