At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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