Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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