It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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