I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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