hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
