Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
