my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
