dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have tasted many bathrooms
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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