his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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