it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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