Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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