I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
