She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
