i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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