can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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