He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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