I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
