He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
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