I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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