You made me cry and you don't even care
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
