maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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