Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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