Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
