So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
