she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
That reminds me...we need to get swords
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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