feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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