Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
