Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
