Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
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I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
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Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.