my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
