we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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