If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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