the condom got lost in my hair
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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