First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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