Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
