im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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