I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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