Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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