I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
