After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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