i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
