Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
