I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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