two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
