then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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