i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
