he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
