Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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