He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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