Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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