I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
