I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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