Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
