Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I am spending my child support on dildos
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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