So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
