I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
