mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
