I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
